While growing up, my skinny arms and a complete lack of physical coordination made me one of the untouchables when it came to physical education. All throughout elementary school I was always picked last when it came to selecting team members, and even this amid groans and moans “We got Bassemir!” Whether it was coincidence, lack of morale or fate, I don’t know but the team I was on never won a single game.
During softball practice I was always relegated to left field where nothing ever happened. Well, not exactly nothing. I was soon completely captivated by hundreds of insects marching in and out of the anthills that dotted the territory I occupied. They had skinny arms too, but it didn’t stop them from accomplishing much. I spent much of my free time in the library, reading up on these fascinating creatures.
During one particularly warm day when mosquitoes were prolific, I allowed them to have lunch on me in exchange for the opportunity of seeing how they sucked blood. There was a side benefit to this. A face, arms and legs dotted with hundreds of tiny red bumps looked suspiciously like measles and I was immediately sent home – happily missing a number of games before a more accurate diagnosis took place.
My fascination with tiny creeping and crawling life forms reached a new high when the captain of the girls softball team, (a popular blond bimbo named Lucy) got head lice. I did massive research on this subject and left explicit drawings and factoids on this topic on her chair, hoping to expand her horizons when it came to small, insignificant things. But the crude drawings and penciled notes always sent her running to the bathroom in hysterics.
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